Témoignage: Mélanie, 13 ans, dans le "groupe le plus éthique de la planète" !

I was recruited into the Sea Org when I was 13. I was fed a large handful of lies in order to get me to join. This became evident to me upon my arrival at PAC base in 1992. My immediate reaction was to run for the hills. Problem was, my recruiters had driven me down to LA from the Bay Area and I had no where to go. I also was mortally afraid of the damn Freeloader Debt. I was certain that I would be slapped with some hugs financial burden if I just put my foot down and said "No, this aint happenin". I was a very naive young girl.

Part of the reason I had even signed on with the Sea Org was because I was all too acutely aware of my parents financial strain. As I mentioned in another post, I had been out of school for a year because they could no longer afford tuition for me to go to Delphi. So I was pretty darn certain they would never be able to afford to put me back in school and if I left the house there would be one less mouth to feed.

So there I was, doing my paperwork, getting my A-J check and routing into the EPF. I was miserable. I cried every time I was left alone. I remember calling my parents when I got there and having to try to convince them that I was excited and happy to be there.

I got all of my prelim route in stuff done. My recruiters then took me down to the EPF office. I had my suitcases and a box or two of stuff along with my "ghetto blaster" with my fave Faith No More tape in the player. My recruiters helped me lug all of my worldly possessions into the office. They then turned me over to the Bosun and it was time for me to get my tour of PAC. I asked "What do we do with all my stuff?" I was told to just leave it in the office, it would be safe because after all, this was the most ethical place on the planet. So I went for my tour. Came back to the office a couple of hours later to get into uniform and start my EPF officially.

HOLY SHIT !!!!! Where's my stuff? !?!?! Well, my ghetto blaster was gone, one suitcase and one box were gone as well. In the box had been my favorite stuffed animal. I was mostly upset bout losing my Faith No More tape though. So there I was in a strange place, I knew no one and half of my stuff had just been stolen. Did anyone care? Nope. It's just MEST. But to me, because my family was SO broke, it meant losing a bunch of crap that probably was not worth much to anyone except me. I never did get my stuff back.

I will pause for now and write more about my EPF adventures later. I don't want to make this too long to read. If you find this to be boring, please tell me to stop! I don't want to make an ass of myself!

I needed to get my EPF uniform. Well here there was as light problem. I was so young and so little that there were no uniforms that fit me. I was under 5’ and under 100lbs. I had not yet achieved my current Amazonian build. After a long while of digging through a smelly box of used, worn out and stained uniforms, I finally found a few sets of shorts and shirts that would fit me. I looked rather like a clown in it because I was swimming in the clothes. I forgot to mention the smelly old used boots that I had to wear too. Those were super gross!

I routed into the courseroom and began my studies. 5 hours a day. Studying the glorious history of the Sea Org and such. I even did a course about Scientology Ethics. I was a very good and quick student. I was acing my tests and blowing through my courses super fast. That was back when I had a good memory… Anyways, when it was not course time (which took place in a semi-underground super spooky building that had flickering florescent lights – old CTO anyone?) it was MEST work time.

If I recall correctly, it was about 12 hours a day of MEST work we were supposed to do. I got stuck washing pots and pans. That was cool with me, I had always done the dishes at home and it was no sweat for me to scrub some pots and pans. Funny thing was, I happily did any MEST work that I was assigned to. It never fazed me. The EPF I/C - Jim Garrett was his name - LOVED me because I never talked back (I know, me never talking back haha

) and I always got the job done right the first time. Plus I was a pocket size little cutie with hair down to my butt. Everyone on the EPF loved me - I was a mascot of sorts. I was a model EPFer. Just like I had been a model student at school. I have to say though, after working in the kitchen and seeing what things looked like behind the scenes, I could never bring myself to eat the meals anymore. Without my mom telling me what to eat, I just had toast 3 times a day. Where was my guardian? Well she was at the HGB busy recruiting more kids like me so she never checked up on me.

The holiday season was upon us. It was Christmas time. I was super homesick. I was into the EPF about 3 weeks. I wanted to go home for Christmas. So I wrote my CSW like a good girl and showed my student points graph and how it was on an uptrend. I wheedled and begged Jim and my recruiters to allow me to go home for the holidays. They were reluctant because I was so close to done and I was going to

I went home for the holidays. It was awesome to eat real food and get to be a kid again. I did chores around the house with a gusto I had never before had. I mean hell, if you can wash pots and pans for 500+ people, what're a few dishes from a family of 4? I was having so much fun, I had a newfound appreciation for my home, my family and mom's cooking. Even my little brother wasn't so annoying. Unfortunately there was a bit of a cloud hanging over me. Alas, I would have to go back in a week. I got REALLY sick 24 hours before I was supposed to head back. My mom and dad called my recruiters and told them they would drive me back to LA once I was better. I stayed sick for a looooong time. I really did not want to go back. I did not dare tell my parents though. They thought I was their little star EPFer with a brilliant career ahead of her auditing people in the Sea Org.

Finally the time came, I got better and they loaded me up into the car and we began the 6 hour drive down to LA. We arrived around dinner time. My recruiters met us at CLO. They told me to go put on my uniform and get back to my group (the EPF). I ran off in tears and changed into my uniform. I came back as quickly as I could. I could tell that the recruiters had been talking about me with my parents. They took us all into the Mess Hall to eat dinner. Wow, how generous, they offered to let my family eat their wonderful

Sea Org food! I begged the EPF I/C to let my family sit with me. So they did. They made small talk with the EPFers around me. Everyone kept telling them how great and cute I was. They were beaming. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I was choking back tears. Dinner was over. It was time for my family to leave. I cried as though the world were coming to an end. I had to really watch what I said because my recruiters were hovering like hawks, ready to snatch me away at the slightest mention of wanting to go home. I had to tell my parents I was just going to really really miss them. I had to try to be convincing when I said it too. They pulled away and I ran after them waving, trying not trip in my huge ugly boots while trying to see though the tears pouring down my face.

I finished my EPF in fine form. I was applauded at graduation. I felt like a little celebrity. It was such a big deal that I was so young and so little and flew threw the EPF so adeptly. Now I could really get into the meat of things and be an actual SEA ORG MEMBER!!!! This is what I scrubbed so many pots for ...

I came into ITO for my first day. I was shown around the org. I got introduced to the group at muster. I felt special. I was the youngest person in the org and nearly the youngest in the entire building! Wow! I was dressed in my uniform - second hand with armpit stains mind you. It of course did not fit right. I was assigned to HCO as an Expeditor. I began getting to know my cohorts. They seemed to be all under the age of 20 in HCO with the exception of 2 people. I was shy but everyone was friendly. They teased me a bit about being so small and young but it was cool - I was part of their "group". I did some filing and routed some comm into the comm baskets. All in all, it was a fine day.

The next day I came in, had breakfast, went to muster and checked in to HCO again. The D/COI, who also happened to be my guardian told me that it was time to talk about my future post. She informed me that I was going to be the Outer Org Trainees MAA! My first response was "what the hell is that?!?!?". She explained to me that I was going to be the ethics officer for all of the students from all of the orgs who study at ITO. Urp... what, how, why? She told me that I wass HCO Qual'd which was a big f*cking deal. Not many people were cool enough to be in HCO. I should feel special! I started bawling. She was starting to get pissed off at me. She told me to knock of the "case on post" and grow up because I was a Sea Org member. Try as I might, I couldn't get it together. She was angry but felt some compassion and saw that I was not going to just stop crying with her yelling at me. She took me for a walk. I got it together enough to tell her why I was crying. I told her "Dan and John (my recruiters) had PROMISED me that I was going to get to be an Auditor when I joined the Sea Org. They had said NOTHING about being in HCO and being an MAA and how the hell am I supposed to be an MAA when I don't know the first thing about doing Ethics Cycles?!?". She told me that I was not going to go on the TTC because you need upstats and a production record in order to get put on the TTC and I had neither. She also told me that since I had done the Intro to Scientology Ethics on the EPF, that was all I needed to know in order to be an MAA. So there it was - I was screwed. I was not going to be an Auditor. We walked back to the HGB and by then it was lunch time. I sat down with my new friends in HCO and told them that I was staying in HCO. They were happy for me. They told me how cool it was to be in HCO. I was not convinced. Oh but it gets better ...

Lunch was over and it was time for muster. The CO was standing up front with a couple of girls I hadn't seen before. Roll call happened. A few people who were not at roll call were rounded up. Something big was about to happen and no one was allowed to miss it. There was a feeling in the air. It was electric. I was nervous. What's going on? Well pretty shortly we found out. The entire Org was assigned a condition of "Confusion". We were told that we would not be allowed study time, nor would we be allowed full meal breaks. Also we were only to be eating BEANS AND RICE! The org was on total lockdown. The shit had hit the fan. We were to White Glove the entire org which was 3 floors of the HGB. Oh fuck. It was a rough muster. The strange girls turned out to be CMO IXU. I had no clue what that meant or that they were senior to me. After muster one of them approached me and asked why I was not wearing makeup. I gulped and said because I was only 13 and had NEVER worn makeup. She yelled at me for backflashing for not calling her sir. She ordered me to put on makeup. Thus began a 4 1/2 year pattern of undue harassment from the girls in CMO. I would never be good enough by their standards. My new found friend Holly in HCO took me up the street to a Walgreens and picked out some Wet N Wild makeup for me to wear. We raced back to the Org and went into the bathroom where she proceeded to teach me how to apply it. I put on orange foundation, black eyeliner, green eyeshadow and some red lipstick. Oh man did I look HOT.

I came out of the bathroom and sought out my guardian. I had some questions for her. I demanded to know why I should be a part of the condition assignment when I was new to the Org. I remembered seeing somewhere that by all accounts, I should be exempt from the condition assignment being that I was new to the group. Well, she informed me that I would need to query it with the assigners of the condition. I was going to have to take it up with that bitch from CMO. Ohhhh boy.

Oh yes, the wonderful "Confusion" assignment. Well, I protested it big time. I explained that I had only just finished the EPF (where my stats had been up) and I was not deserving of the condition assignment. Welllll since I was part of the "group" I was going to have to "suffer up through the conditions" just like everyone else. I forgot to mention that of course with the assignment we were supposed to write up our o/ws too.

I was under strict orders during this time that I was not to mention ANYTHING to my parents about the goings on in my org. I was told I would be in deep shit if I created a "shore flap". Believe me, had I told my parents that their precious daughter was trying to survive on beans and rice alone and putting in hours from 8 am to 3 pm they would have flipped. My dear friend Holly who I mentioned earlier (she was 3 years older than me, therefore a role model) gave me a brilliant idea. She told me that we could "borrow" food from the canteen and pay them back once our pay suspension was over. She said that we couldn't tell anyone else about this brilliant plan because we would be busted for eating something other than beans and rice. So for about a month or so, I was eating good. I tried to keep it to one item a meal though so I would not wrack up too much debt. This of course was stealing - the way that Holly explained it though, made sense to me in my naivety. I started to suspect that there might be something wrong with what we were doing though because I had this inexplicable feeling of guilt for eating better than my comrades. So I confessed in my o/w write-up. Baaaaad idea. The shit hit the proverbial fan at this point. I was pulled from HCO, put on the decks full time and in big trouble. The execs met together with the CMO bitches to determine my fate...

I freaked out. I called my daddy and told him that I was a thief and needed money to pay back my debt. I couldn't really go into detail. So he scraped up half of the money (about $150 or so) and made me promise that I would work off the rest of the debt to the canteen. Cool, now I got to stay up even later than I had been in order to do more MEST work on top of what I was already doing. I was anxiously awaiting to hear the outcome of the meeting held to determine my fate. The CMO bitches wanted me RPF'd. My guardian thankfully convinced them otherwise. I had a close call there. My guardian knew enough about my parents to know that they would be trouble if I got RPF'd so soon in my SO career. Plus I was only 13 - it would totally violate the labor laws. As if that weren't already going on.

I finished on the decks after a few weeks. I stayed in "Doubt" for quite awhile because in all of this I REALLY wanted to go home now. I was NOT happy. I was talked into staying. So I cam up through my lower conditions and got back into the group that was in "Confusion". Great. Now I get to do my lowers all over again with the group. I was really starting to hate this group. So there I was, back on post as the Outer Org Trainee's MAA.

Allow me to tell you a little bit about my post. In Scientology they have this wonderful form that everyone in the Sea Org has to fill out. It was also required of all of the Class V Org staff who trained at ITO - it was the Life History. Basically it had a series of questions all about your personal life. You were expected to list anyone you had ever known, your family tree, your job history etc. The juicy part though was the "2D History". This was were you had to write a detailed account of every sexual experience you ever had with any partner. This is how they get a lot of blackmail material on people in my opinion. For some reason my senior wanted me to read through all of the student's files who were on "ethics lines". This included their Life History forms. Oh boy did I get a sex education! See my own Life History had a simple N/A response in the 2D History section.

I got to learn about the 2D from perverts. I mean from uhmmm people who had some false purposes on the 2D and had no shame in writing about them in their Life Histories. Wow did I get edu-ma-cated. Who knew you could get a blow job from a dolphin? Oh and WTF is a blow job anyways? Yeah, nice reading material for a tender virgin of 13. I think that my senior kinda got off on explaining all of the perverted acts of others that I was reading about. Anyways, I got to know all of the Trainees via their histories and test scores. It was weird but evidently necessary. I ended up getting a constan influx of students on my plate who had gone "out-2D". Funny because it seemed like they would have no time to do the lewd acts I read about in their O/Ws seeing as they were full time students and I patrolled them for "lights out" every night. As I learned though, there is no stopping horny adults.

Speaking of horny adults, I got a very nice young man in CMO as a stalker shortly after I finished my EPF. I almost forgot all about him. I tried to lock him out of HCO a couple times but he had a key and would just let himself in. He was hell bent on getting me to marry him. He was 19 and from South America. I had never held hands with a boy and this dude wanted me to be his child bride. Inappropriate!!!! Anyways, I digress ...

I quickly learned how to do berthing inspections, conditions assignments and even how to put together a Comm-Ev committee. I carried a stick around everywhere, tucked like a chicken wing under my arm. I was supposed to use it to beat people into submission if they dared disobey me. It was a daunting prospect for me. I was a good girl who had never hurt anyone and I was supposed to whack a grown up with my stick if they stepped out of line? Well I never did. But I did have to carry my stupid stick with me everywhere. Oh and those berthing inspections - hoo boy! I am a total Type A, anal-retentive neat freak. As a grown woman I now know this about myself. At the time though, I did not. Poor Trainees never stood a chance. I think that out of all the dorms I inspected out of all the times I did so, I think I issued a "Pass" maybe twice? So sorry if you were the victim of failing my berthing inspections! Gosh, I cannot imagine how un-intimidating I was as an MAA though. What a joke.

I began to grow. I finally hit puberty, even on my diet of beans and rice. I grew like a weed. I went from no boobs to all of a sudden 34DD in a six month time span. I also shot up several inches. This became a problem. My uniform no longer could accommodate my bust nor my legs. I remember vividly being in a muster with the rest of my org - we had to do some group exercises of some sort. We all had to bend over to touch our toes. Riiiiiip... my pants split straight up the ass. After all, they were already about 3 inches too short for me. I was mortified. I burst into tears and ran down the hall into the bathroom where I hid until my guardian sought me out after muster. Of course I was yelled at for causing a problem and interrupting muster. I then had to come up with the money to buy a new pair of pants. What a joy. It was this sort of thing that really disturbs me still to this day. How was it my fault that I accidentally split the ass of my pants in muster? It was the CO's fault for having us touch our toes right? So ridiculous.

Now I had boobs though - here's where the fun really starts. I began to attract all sorts of unwanted male attention. By now I was 14. I was hit on constantly. My fellow HCOers had all sorts of nicknames for me. I had to safety pin my uniform shirt closed because it was a button up and would gap quite obviously right in between my breasts. There was one time that I needed a nerve assist because I had a killer headache. I could not take Tylenol, that is unheard of. I found someone willing to give me the assist. He was 19 or 20 and married. He was kind of a buddy of mine and I figured it would be fine to get an assist from him. Whoops. He took full advantage of the fact that he was much older than me and we were in a locked room alone. I freaked. I lied and told him that my headache was gone so that he would end the "assist". I ran out of the room and went into the bathroom and cried for an hour or so until Holly came in and found me. I told her what had happened and she said it was no big deal. She said that he was hot so I should be flattered. I wasn't. Later on down the line, Holly got busted for giving this guy blow jobs in the bookstore. No wonder she had no sympathy. I also found out that she and the guy had discussed bringing me in on their extracurricular activities but eventually decided against it because I was too much of a prude. Dodged a bullet there...

Oy I just remembered something else, CMO bitches were still on my ass, always checking to see if I was keeping my nose clean and wearing my makeup. One day a couple of them cornered me and asked me what kind of a hippy I was (I had hair down to my ass parted in the middle -worn it like that since I was 3) and told me I needed to get a "hairstyle". Oh wow, I had to come up with the money and get myself a haircut. So I hoofed it down Hollywood Bl. and found a hole in the wall salon. They cut my hair off, gave me some bangs and I told them that was all I needed. I went to the store on my dinner break and bought some dye. That night after post I dyed my hair black. I was revolting. I showed up for post the next day and got an ass reaming from the CMO girls but that was fine. I showed them. Thus began my war. I decided at this point to revolt and rebel as far as I could without crossing the line and being booted or RPF'd. I got my ears pierced. Again and again. I ended up with 6 holes in my left ear and 5 in my right. I wore hoops that started big at the bottom and got smaller as they went up my ears. Man, did I catch hell for that! Simple pleasures though, ya know? The CMO girls decided that since I had boobs (for the record they were all flat as a board) I was a slut. I got called a whore, slut, bitch, cunt, cock-tease etc. for the rest of my Sea Org career. It was so lovely. I have an awesome sense of self-esteem these days thanks to those girls.

Okay, let me tell you how I figured out how to get away from the misery. I was going to go uplines. I was going to shoot for getting into Int Management where I heard the food, berthing and everything was better. I was still eating beans and rice mind you. In order to qualify for uplines, you have to have an impeccable record. Now, in order to be in HCO where I was, you had to have an impeccable record. So I figured I was already halfway there. I began the extensive sec check that would allow me to go to GOLD. This was an ongoing process that lasted for a LONG time (sorry I cannot remember the specifics).

Meanwhile, I was busily working away trying to come up through the lower conditions like the rest of my org. It was embarrassing. I was certain that I had picked the wrong org to be a part of. Everyone in the building knew what kind of trouble we were in. To this day, I cannot say for certain why we were even assigned the condition in the first place. All I can say is it dragged on for over a year. Then one day we were all called together for a muster again. This time our muster was going to be held along with everyone else in the building. That meant ALL orgs (except CMO of course). Something BIG was going to happen. Well this group of people all dressed in fancy uniforms came strutting in. We were to have new management. Every org was getting new CO's. The old Co's all got busted. The new guys had come from Int Management. We had a "Command Team". I think some Org board shuffling occurred at this point as well though I cannot say for certain. All I know is that was when the reign of terror truly began in my org. We had a new CO and she was a "yeller". More about that later.

I finally got told that I was going to get to be on the TTC. I think that was spurned this idea coming to fruition was my having gone on the decks once again for wanting to leave the Sea Org. The execs figured that if they finally delivered on what I had been promised when I was recruited, that I would stay. So I began my routing form to route on to the TTC. That's when they sprang it on me. I was not going on the TTC to become an Auditor like I had wanted - oh no, I was going to a Word Clearer! Well I had a melt down, it was inevitable. I had been promised one thing and yet again had the rug pulled out from under me. I was yelled at for having "case on post" again. I was threatened with ethics action. I was bullied into agreeing to be a Word Clearer because after all, it was "the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics". This actually came as a sort of saving grace for me - I now could no longer work until 3am because I needed to be "studentable". Hey, maybe this was going to be alright. I studied away the days, all the while being nicely brainwashed. I questioned things, I compared HCOBs and HCOPLs. I discovered some blatant discrepancies and definitely found a whole lot of policies not being followed. I started to really question things at this point. I wrote reports. A lot of reports. I asked my "twin", my Supervisors, everyone I could think of. I asked too many questions and got into trouble of course. So I learned the hard way to keep my thoughts to myself. I got yelled at a lot. I finished my Pro Word Clearing Course and began my Internship.

I somehow got selected to be a private Word Clearer for this guy from ASI. ASI is right up there alongside RTC in the Command Channels so I was nervous. This dude was a big time exec. We were stationed off in an empty course room at the end of the hallway. Alone. I was 14 going on 15 and he was about 35. Well, let's just say he took advantage of the fact that he was older, bigger and more senior to little ol' me. He was inappropriate in his behavior and speaking to me. It happened several times. Each time, I would have to keep my TRs in, I mean after all, I was word clearing him. After the word clearing was over for the day I would calmly walk down the long hallway to the bathroom. I would then hide in a stall and cry until someone came looking for me. I finally got the gumption to tell my guardian about what was going on. She told me to shut the hell up, never to tell anyone else and that she thought that I was just making it up and would get into BIG trouble if I made those accusations about such a hotshot senior exec. She didn't really believe me herself. I at least convinced her to stop making me be the guy's personal wordclearer. Well guess what, shortly after, the guy got busted. I mean busted. He was pulled out of ASI, thrown on the decks and then quickly routed out of the SO. I found out on the grapevine that the guy had gone wildly out-2D and in the process of this being discovered it also came about that he had a prior conviction on his record as having committed a sex offense against a minor. My guardian came up to me and told me that she believed me now. Day late and a dollar short you could say. The damage had already been done. It happened in the future with other men and I never told because I knew that no-one would believe me and I would just end up getting myself into trouble. You see, they were always senior to me.

This is getting kind of hard for me so I think that I will give it a rest for now.

Any FZers reading this, this must explain to you why I have NO love for Hubbard or his Tech. I mean really, can you blame me? And I am only about 1/4 into my story.

Wow, I took a few days away from writing this and I kinda lost my train of thought. Let's see... well let me fill you in on a couple of things. I have not given a blow by blow account of my days because that is to much to expect, I just cannot get my memory to cooperate that nicely. I want to tell you though, there were a couple of times that I did get to go home to visit my parents and brother. Usually for no longer than 4 days if I recall. Now the next bit I think that I will share requires this explanation first:

I wanted to go home for a visit with my family. This was formally called an LOA. I needed to write a CSW in order to be approved for going home on this LOA. I had to get approval from my senior, my senior's senior and then a few execs. Since the org was still in a lower condition what I was requesting was pretty much a miracle. I finished my Pro Word Clearer's Internship like I was told I would have to before getting to take my LOA. The CSW had gotten all the way up the command channels and then got stuck in the CO's office. Now, I was supposed to be flying out of Burbank airport that night. I was getting frantic. Why was my CSW not being signed? I went into the Exec Office which had a door in it leading directly into the CO's office. I begged the execs to help me to get the CSW approved. I had put it in the works about 3 weeks prior so it would have plenty of time to make it thru the comm lines. So I told the execs that I needed to be at the airport in about an hour and I still hadn't heard anything back on my CSW and I was getting super nervous. So the Chief Off went in and I could hear the CO yelling at her. The CO then came storming out of her office and proceeded to rip me a new one for daring to pull her execs off post and interfere with the running of the org etc. etc. etc. I burst into tears - of course she reamed me once again for having case on post. The execs rose to my defense. The Supercargo talked to the CO and the Chief Off did too - they explained to her what a flap it would cause if I were not allowed to go home to see my family since I am a minor. I don't recall all of what happened but I do remember the CO asking if my dad was on staff somewhere "Yessir, he's the Div 2 Reg at the Redwood City Mission" I told her. She demanded the number and picked up the phone and called him. She then proceeded to mind fuck my dad for several minutes. I don't even know why. She was yelling at him and telling him that I was causing a huge flap in the org and had all the execs pulled off post just so I could take my precious leave and blah blah blah. She finally told my dad that she would let me come home. At this point though, my flight had already gone. So I had to work out a standby flight for the next morning. My point here is - I had a bitch all of a time trying to get a legitimate leave.

Now here we are about 6 months later. Christmas is around the corner. I have been a good girl. My stats have been up. I have been avidly working on getting my Int Clearances to go up to Gold. I have been word clearing away. My parents asked if I was going to make it home for Christmas. I told them that I sure would be there! In my mind though, I already knew that I was not going to CSW this time. I was going to BLOW! I had had such a hard time getting an approval last time that I knew in my heart I would never be allowed to go this time. In fact, if I recall correctly the CO had already announced to the whole org that NO one was going home for Christmas this year. So I lied. I told my mom and dad that they could go ahead an buy the plane ticket since I was coming home for Christmas. I told them as the time came near that I indeed had gotten an approved CSW. Meanwhile every night that I went home, I would carefully go through my things and pick out what I did not want to leave behind. I had to leave quite a bit of my stuff behind seeing as I could not bring it all on the plane. I also had to make it look to my roommates like I was just going to be gone for a few days over Christmas. I had lied to them too and told them that I had an approved CSW to go home. Well the 23rd had rolled around. It was GO time. I took my trunk and hustled it downstairs at about 4 am. I had called for a cab and as soon as it pulled up I hopped in and told him to take me to the airport. I had to leave really early in the morning to ensure that no one would be up to see me go. I got to the airport and found a chair out of the way (so if they came looking they would not find me easily) and waited. My flight was not scheduled to take of for about 4 hours. I think that those were the longest, most nerve wracking hours of my life. I was certain that THEY would come and find me. Finally it was time to board my flight. I was so relieved. I had made it this far. I flew home. My daddy picked me up. I came home with him and we had breakfast and did normal family things. Then we all piled into the car and drove off to the Christmas tree farm where we spent the afternoon picking and cutting down the perfect tree. Thank God we were out of the house. I had about peed myself every time the phone had rung that morning. Well, eventually we had to get back to the house. We had our tree and the sun was going down. So we got back and there was a message waiting on the machine "Hi Mr. & Mrs. Wagner, this is Amy the HAS ITO. I was wondering if you had spoken to Melanie recently ...? Could you please call me back ASAP at blah blah blah?". Oh shit. My dad looked at me. All I could do was shrug my shoulders. I then burst into tears as he was dialing. My mom just frowned at me. I was busted. Now it was a matter of wait and see ...

My dad got off the phone after several minutes. He took my mom into the bedroom and they had a talk. They came back out and my dad informed me that they were VERY disappointed in me and that they would be shipping me back first thing in the morning. For the rest of the night they wanted me doing chores, washing dishes and scrubbing toilets, that sort of thing. I could not believe it. I was betrayed by my very own parents. Instead of inquiring what would have driven me to leaving like that, they just solemnly swore to ship me back. On Christmas Eve no less. Words cannot begin to express the heartbreak I felt. The next morning they loaded me up - told me that they were keeping my things and my presents and that they would ship them back when I was out of lower conditions. I flew back to LA, was picked up and immediately put on the decks once more. I spent Christmas scrubbing pots and pans that year. I was on the decks for over a month that time. I just couldn't get through that damn Doubt Condition. Of course at this point, I felt that even if I had left - I would have nowhere to go (in retrospect my Grandparents would have GLADLY taken me). My own parents wouldn't want me? Certainly not after shipping me back like they did? What else could a girl think? I was 15 when this happened.

This is hard for me. Every time that I think I am "so over it all" I find out that I am not. I guess I have a lot of residual anger, hurt and trust issues as a result of these experiences. It never ceases to amaze me. I think that the incident I wrote about above was one of the worst experiences for me. It did far more damage to me than any of the abuses I endured. Funny how some things that may seem small to one person are life changing for another. To this day I don't think my parents have any idea how much their simple act of sending me back to the Sea Org like "good little Scientologists" actually damaged me. I am left sitting here with a huge painful lump in my throat and chest, like I just ate an entire loaf of Wonder Bread.

The reason I kept my mouth shut for so long was the massive amount of threats I got when I was routing out. It took me awhile to move beyond that. I told my father everything that had happened (while I was in the SO) a couple of years back. His solution was to bring me in to the Org DSA to have me "handled". He made me swear not to tell my mom. I finally told her about 6-7 weeks ago. She cried and then the next day told me "never bring this up again".

She wanted me to see the DSA to be "handled" too. I told her it was not going to happen because all that had occurred last time was I was called a liar and told that I deserved everything that I had experienced. In other words I "pulled it in". Is there a "fuck you" icon I can use ? Grrrrr.........

I have worked at that long and hard. I think that I will be able to forgive once my parents leave. If that ever happens. They have always chosen the "church" over me and that has been a hard pill to swallow.

Hello again, I think I will tell some more of my story now. Forgive me if I jump a bit back and forth - it's getting murkier and harder for me to recall times and dates to go along with the incidents I write about. For now, I am going to cover the "education" that I got whilst in the Sea Org.

From the get go, if you were under 18 or had not graduated high school, you were supposed to carry on with your normal education. This was to consist of 8 hours of "school" on every Saturday. After this you would get into uniform and be back on post by the time dinner hour was over. At first we studied at PAC, in the CTO courseroom (at times over in the Cadet Org too). The only subject that were allowed were what LRH called the 3 Rs. Reading, Writing and Arithmetic. Once you got a passing grade on the tests for these subjects, you were then allowed to move on to studying subjects of your own choosing, such as Science, History or Art. The thing about the "schooling" that we got was it was on a "self-serve" type of setup. We had a "Supervisor" but no licensed teachers. We were all in the same classroom ranging in age from 13-17 and 11 months and 30 days (once you turned 18 you were not lucky enough to continue with "school"). We all had out various text books and papers and such, everyone studying whatever the heck they pleased. There was no curriculum, there were a few "checksheets" and if you were reading you could read whatever book you pleased. I remember that for the first year or so, I would go with a large group of other "kids" to the LA Public Library so that we could "read". It was awesome, it was the only time that I could come close to feeling like a kid again. We would sit for hours reading Dean Koontz, Stephen King and such. Then we would write our 200 word book report and take that back to the Supervisor. We would screw around as much as possible without getting busted when we were at the library. We eventually all got busted for doing this. Now we were no longer allowed to go to the library.

Someone higher up decided that it was "out-PR" to have a bunch of Sea Org members running amok on PAC base in "Civvies" every Saturday. So we began to get bussed up to the "Ranch". This was the Cadet Org located in Saugus, CA I believe. There things were ever so slightly more organized but we far out numbered out Supervisor something like 40 of us for 1 of him. We were also sharing the facilities up there with the "Cadets" who were for the most part 14 and under. It was utter chaos at that place. The cadets would goof off all day and terrorize us SO members and we would harass them right back. All in all I think that at any given time there were maybe 4 adult supervising the whole place, including our Supervisor. It was ridiculous. Very few of us SO members actually wanted to learn anything, the rest just used the time to screw off as much as possible. You would practically have to shout to be heard by the Supervisor. He elected me and one other girl to help him try to maintain control in the classroom since we were "Tech Trained". It sucked because I was one of the few who actually wanted to learn. Instead I got to try to teach a bunch of unruly teenagers who were for the most part, older than I.

We studied school like this for a year, maybe more. I think that I stopped being allowed to go to school for some reason but other kids still went. Eventually it was arranged for school to happen right there in the HGB where I worked. When I was able to finagle my way into going to school, I took my 3 R's tests. I passed them all. So I came to the point where I was allowed to study a subject of my choosing. I chose Shakespeare. I went to the library and checked out some books. I brought them back to the HGB and began to study. My CO caught wind of this somehow. I cannot even recall how. This was a different CO than the one who would not let me go home for Christmas. Well, I got pulled out of the classroom (which was not allowed but was somehow made ok since it was the CO who wanted to see me) and I was told to go speak to the CO. I was a bit nervous, what could he possibly want from me that was so important that he had to interrupt my one day of schooling ?

I went down to the CO's office where he immediately took me into the office next dorr to his and shut and locked the door. He then proceeded to tear me a new one. He yelled at me for studying something other than the 3 Rs or Hubbard's writings. He chewed me out for having the audacity to want to study Shakespeare. He told me that I was wasting my time and everyone else's and that it was unacceptable. I was shocked. I calmly told him to please wait for a minute. I then left the office and sought out a copy of the "2-D" book. I found what I was looking for, LRH had written that once you pass the 3Rs you were then allowed to go on to study other subjects - he even listed studying Shakespeare!!!! Bingo, I had all the backup I htough I would need and went prancing back into the office where my CO was waiting. I calmly showed him the writing. He then really blew his top and started screaming like I had never seen a man do before. Now at this point I was thinking "dude, can you say wrong target? Whatever has you so pissed cannot possibly be me". I kept my TRs in but after about 15 minutes I was getting sick of just standing there and taking it. I started to scream back at him. Hooo boy! I lit into him just as he had been doing to me. I screamed so loud, I saw red. I was shaking I was so mad. I think that was the angriest I had ever been in my life. I yelled harder and louder than he had! He was stunned. This was the worst insubordination he had ever experienced in his life. He was my COMMANDING OFFICER and I was a lowly "Tech Terminal" and there I was giving him a piece of my mind. What happened then is kind of murky. I cannot remember who hit first but we both got slapped. It's kinda funny in retrospect. I guess I am lucky that he stood about 5'6". The Tech Officer came bursting into the office at this point, as did the Chief Officer. The CO ordered them to route me to Ethics immediately as he stood there rubbing the red hand print on his cheek. I wasn't afraid for a second that I would get into any amount of trouble, after all I did have Hubbard's writing to back me up.

All in all, that was one of my proudest moments in my Sea Org career. I stood up to a senior officer and was not even busted for doing so. The MAA got my routing form, got an outline of what had happened and had me sit down and write a full Knowledge Report on the matter. I was then dismissed from Ethics and sent back to the classroom to study Shakespeare.

After that incident though, I was no longer allowed to go to school. There was always some reason or another that I was not allowed. I did not have my GED mind you and I was only 16.

Eventually things came to pass and I wound up being the Supervisor for the school classroom myself. I was 17 when that began. The unfairness of it really upset me to be honest. Here I was, responsible for getting a bunch of other kids my age and younger ready for their High School Proficiency Exam. At least I got about 15-20 students to take it and pass it. I was the best teacher they had ever had because I actually gave a shit and didn't let them screw off in my classroom.

So there you have it - the story of my education. It spans several years mind you and it's not very detailed but at least I got to share with you my finest moment in the history of my Sea Org career.

I will share more of my ongoing story soon. I am kind of putting it off a bit because I am going to tell you about what happened when I tried to and obviously failed at committing suicide. Thanks for reading.

Oh dear. Dunno your current relationship to parents, but I'd suggest referring them to your story here. Looks like they may not know how this has affected you.COS needs some justice actions here. Posting here is a good start but not enough IMO. Maybe. Tell your story at the next protest, put

Thank Terril, The thing is - my parents have been informed of the really nasty bits of what I went thru. My mom's response was "never speak about this again ". She also promised not to disconnect from me if I do wind up declared but she said that if I go public with my story then she will.

So I am tempting fate right now. I do have my story up on ESK and Enturb. Last I checked it has been viewed by over 3000 people between the 3 boards. Guess I went kinda public. On the flip side - I have received a few PMs from people as weell as just responses on the boards that have made me sure that I am doing the right thing by sharing my story. I know that some good will come of this.

If I do get declared, oh well. My voice will only grow stronger and louder and I think that the church knows it.

Well here I am again. I have been catchin up on my real life. I mean the here and now - the one where my 3 year old insists on my attention. The one where the laundry and dishes pile up and the phone never stops ringing. The one where my 7 pets require nonstop attention. The one where my hubby calls to tell me he's bringing home a friend for dinner (again). Reality is awesome. It's what keeps me going. It's what keeps me out of the past and in my present and future. I relish it. Once upon a time I had no future ...

I was done. I was so over being a Word Clearer. I was never going to be an Auditor. It was time that I faced my reality. Being an Auditor was only a promise used to lure me into my current miserable situation. I just knew that it was never gonna happen at this point. I would always be needed in the courserooms. I was forever stuck as a lowly Word Clearer/wannabe Auditor. The closest I would ever get was administering M-1 to people. Oh and flying ruds on those who were too unimportant to get n the HGC scheduling board.

I was miserable. I wanted off my post. I think I wanted to get outta there completely and told someone and managed to get myself put on the decks yet again. So I did my MEST work and lowers for another month or so. I got through the Doubt condition for what felt like the millionth time. I of course chose to stay in again (I mean really, did I actually have a choice in the matte?) and got thru the lowers and back into the group. This time I made it clear that I was through with being a Word Clearer. I wanted a new post. Meanwhile I was still undergoing my Int Sec Check as it was an incomplete action. I would get in session for that about once a week. I got myself reposted. I got a job in the glorious HGC. There I was - so close I could taste it. I was seconds away from my auditor training. I just had to get through my "Products" as a Sea org member and I would get my training that way.

I was assigned the post of Tech Reception and Routing Officer. I got to sit as the guard dog for the ITO HGC. Big whoop. I wqas supposed to keep out all body traffic and dev-t. Oh and help with routing PCs into auditing. Oh so very exciting. I felt my purpose dying inside me. I knew that I had reduced myself to some piddlyshit post that was laughable in the Tech world. I was scum. How did I get here? I was meant to be an Auditor. Couldn't anyone see?

I was tired. I was 16and wanted nothing more than to disappear off the face of the earth. I was done playing this stupid game. I was making all the wrong moves and getting my ass whupped in the process. I decided that it was time I do something.

So I stopped eating. Not such a stretch considering the scrumptious meals of beans and rice I had eaten for so long. I had since been upgraded with the rest of my org to nicer foods - such as leftovers from the day previous that had been left out overnight. Ugh. Barf. Well anyways I decided that I needed to be discreet. I did not want to cause a PR flap for the church. I also did not want to get my parents into trouble. I thought about hoofing it up to the roof and bailing that way. I knew it would be too messy and too much of a flap though. I thought about diving out of the HGC windows - only the 4th floor though. What if it didn't kill me? I though about diving in front of a bus driving down Hollywood Blvd. Again, too messy. So I settled on not eating. Anorexia - without the intention of looking skinny. I just flat out wanted to drop dead in a not obvious fashion. I faked eating in front of my friends. I would take my meal breaks outside where I would smoke. I would hide in the bathroom through lunch. I would pretend that whatever was in front of me was unappetizing (not such a stretch) and just skip the meal. I was doing fine. I was on a roll. Sure I would black out occasionally. I would get dizzy on the stairs. I would vomit bile. I would sway instead of standing straight when I was at muster. It was working though. I knew my days were numbered. I went like this for a month or so. I was almost there. No food. Not for a month. I could taste death and it was sweet. It was all that I had waited and hoped for for so long now.

My darling friend noticed. Damn her. She was worried about me. She told me that my uniform was hanging on me. She was worried that I was not eating properly. She confronted me on it. I told her that I was fine I just could not hold my food down and must have had a bug of sorts. She insisted that I see the MLO. I saw the MLO. The MLO gave me a B12 shot in my ass and told me to "knock off the dramatization". So I went on with my not eating. My friend persisted. She wrote reports left right and center. She was CMO so she was heard. I finally had to start eating again. My plan was foiled. I was so tired and apathetic at that point that I no longer cared. I ate to shut her up.

I went in session. It was the first time in forever since I had not been "metab'ing" since I wasn't eating. Finally I got a "metab" and went in on my Int Clearance Sec Check. Mind you, at this point I had already blown and was in no way eligible for Int Staff. I just needed to complete my Sec Check to please the "powers that be". I confessed. I was suicidal. I wanted to die, tired to die and failed. So my Auditor wrote it up. She was supposed to. Well the KR wound up on my CO's desk for some reason (same one who wouldn't let me have an LOA, not the one I slapped).

I was called into the CO's office. I took a seat across from her desk. She promptly began screaming at me. She told me I was full of sit and trying to "snow" her. She said I didn't try to kill myself and was just making it all up for sympathy. She went on a tirade for about 20 minutes. I stared at her and finally cried. I told her that yeah, I had tried to kill myself and I was sorrier than ever that I had failed. She never did believe me. Just made me wrong for trying to get attention and sympathy. It sucked. I felt like the biggest failure on the face of the earth. Why couldn't I even carry through with trying to kill myself? Sheesh I was miserable.

Well, it is amazing the phenomena and physical symptoms I experience when I relive this all. I am nauseous tonight. I can taste the bile in my mouth. I am not sad, not even mad. I just feel a dull sense of apathy. I will be fine in the morning but for now I have said enough and relived enough for the night.

Quote:

Anon:

That happens to me when I deal with heavy stuff that's been buried; I get dizzy, run-down, and nauseous as it's brought to the surface and exposed to the light. I do not know if it's normal or not, but you are not the only one that has physical manifestations from psychic cleansings like this. It passes, just as you said. I always assume it must be good to get this crap out if it's toxic enough to make me feel physically ill, you know? It's gotta be much better than having it stuffed into some dark recess where it warps us in who knows what kinds of ways...

Plus I did have a couple of glasses of wine last night to find the courage to write more. That may have contributed to my nausea!